I Just Have to Write to Write

I have a lot of feelings right now.  This isn't even a blog so much as it is a journal and for some reason I always pick the WORST POSSIBLE TIME TO WRITE. For example, right now I should be doing AP Environmental Science, Algebra 2, British Literature, or AP Government homework. But no. I'm here. I'm here because I'm just really sad. I miss my best friend so much. I miss her more than the world could know. I love her to death and I wish she didn't live across the country. I wish we could live in the same city and go to the same school and hang out all the time like I know we would. I just miss her a lot. I've only seen her three times in my whole life and no one has ever understood me like she has.

I also feel exceptionally fat lately. I've been getting giant stretch marks and I'm so embarrassed and overwhelmed by them. I really want to fix it I just don't have time or I don't want to have the time. I just want them to go away. I want my weight to be normal. I don't want to be fat. I should lose more weight. I need to. Also I have a bunch of pimples on my face that are really not adding to this situation. I have pants on that keep falling low and I can't wear tight shirts because then it's like "OH LOOK FAT HOW ARE YOU." I can't even wear a fucking t-shirt because my arms are disgusting and red and bumpy and I also have stretch marks there too. Fucking stretch marks.

Also boys suck. This isn't specific. I understand that the universe does not owe me a boyfriend or anything it's just that why do they all have to suck. I just want to meet a guy who doesn't suck. So far all of them do.

And junior year is death. Like I'm casually failing all of my classes and yes that is an exaggeration but this year is basically guaranteeing where I do and don't get into college next year and the grades I have right now will not get me into Northwestern or even U of M. AP Gov is impossible, I'm such a horrible test taker, and the ACT is so hard and I'm taking it again in three days and I just really don't want to.

This has been a rant.

Healthy vs. Happy

I'm going to be honest. You have no idea what I look like. There is a small picture of me in the corner, but my back is turned and I'm on the ground, several feet away.  So you don't know that I'm kind of fat. It's not like "OHMYGOD YOU ARE MORBIDLY OBESE, HOW DO YOU WALK?" or anything like that, but it's to the point where I am far too fat to be considered thin and far too thin to be considered fat...or obese. I am not really that uncomfortable with it.  I always dream about how it would feel to walk down a beach or pool in a bikini and not feel self conscious, but I don't let it affect me or my personality.  But I've always wondered...where is the line drawn? I'm always told to be comfortable in my own skin, to not change a thing about myself, to be happy.  And on the other hand, I am told that it would be better if I lost weight, better if I dieted, I'd be healthier.  I just think, when is it important to lose weight? When you start losing confidence in yourself? When you feel embarrassed about your body? When it starts affecting your health in a major way? My mother is the biggest supporter f the "Why don't you lose some weight" side, but if my friends like me for me and I feel comfortable with it, why the fuck should I have to change? I mean, I'm not hurting you with it. I'm not bouncing around shirtless waving my fat folds in front of your face as I shove pie down my throat.  I'm just...me. This is something that I've been having trouble with for a long time and I just wanted to share.  That is the not rhetorical question of the blog: when should one lose weight? And if they are completely happy and healthy, should they ever? I'm on the fence.  I don't think I'll ever have the motivation to lose more than a few pounds at a time before I gain it all back, but I'm not just frolicking around like an elephant. Now I'm repeating myself. Time to go now. Good bye.

ENOUGH

My stupid stereotypical teenage life continues as I struggle with teenage stereotypes (I'm not original).  I am constantly frustrated with my weight, how to talk to boys, if boys might be attracted to me if ever, that my best friend lives across the fucking country, how I never seem to have free time, despite the fact that I don't do ANYTHING, that I'm not good enough, that I'll never actually start the novel I actually like the idea for, or if I do I'll never finish it, that I'm not cultured, that I'm not smart, that I am a selfish person for only caring about MY problems and MY needs instead of the millions of people out there who I can't even begin to comprehend their issues, that I am less worthy than my more-liked sister, that my leg is falling asleep now because I am sitting on the floor of my cramped closet, that I'll never be asked to a dance, even though I don't like them, that I won't get into a good college, that I won't know what to study when I go to college, that I won't be able to live in Europe with my best friend, that I'll never be liked, that   I'll never live up to any of the expectations that were given to me, that I'll become an unhappy, average person who leaves the world, entirely forgotten, like I wasn't even here, that I don't dress well enough, that I'm too fat, that I only wear the same pair of boots every single day, that I don't talk enough, that I talk too much, that I don't do enough, that I read too much, that I go on the computer too much, that I'm not smart, that I'll never be kissed, that----ENOUGH.
I am done. I am sick and tired of all the shit that I have to hear and deal with every fucking day, all of that shit that I think to myself every single minute of every single day.  I just want to drop everything, grab my clothes, computer, books, and dog and fly to London and live there forever.  Away from this godforsaken high school, this city, the vapid people (including me) who live in it, their stupid problems and mine are too.

Rants on my Derpiness

It is currently finals week, at 9:57 PM, and here I am, blogging about something I don't even think I should blog about because it is so stereotypical teenage-romantic-comedy and I feel like I am above it but I don't even care.  I just need to write.  I haven't written anything in a long time, mainly because the inspiration wasn't there, nor the motivation.  But here they are, months later, and they couldn't have come at a worse time.

So this is my dilemma, Blog.  I am an extremely awkward person.  I try not to be but in the end I always turn out to be so derpy and making a fool out of myself in front of other people is something I'm extremely good at.  I also tend to be very quiet and awkward around people who I do not know or people who I do not want to know.  But I am never more awkward than I am in front of boys who I like.  The second they start to talk to me it's like a trigger goes off in my head that says, "MUST ACT STUPID. MUST ACT WEIRD. MUST NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE NORMAL CONVERSATION."  It's like my brain turns off.  I stutter and sputter through sentences, I turn BRIGHT RED due to embarrassment, and no one fails to point it out.  "Oh, hey Lizzie.  I noticed that you are blushing quite profusely while you're talking to a guy who you seem to have interest in.  I just thought that I'd point that out to you to make you turn even redder and to the boy who you are currently talking to." WHY THANK YOU SO MUCH, NOW PLEASE GO INTO A HOLE AND DON'T COME OUT. *le sigh*

Thankfully, I've slowly (and I mean VERY SLOWLY) become less awkward in front of the opposite sex.  But the fact was that I only ever talked to them at large social gatherings or school.  I had never hung out with a guy alone since the second grade where I went over to a boy's house to trade Yu Gi Oh cards with, until this week.  And this week shouldn't even count because we were just studying for finals.  But oh my god, I think I might like him BUT I DON'T WANT TO LIKE HIM.  I just want to be friends. Why can't I control my own goddamn emotions?  Why am I such a derp? ALSO, I am so bad at portraying the fact that I like someone.  It's not like I ever try to play hard to get, I just have no idea how to flirt so I just end up acting like a friend who may not even like him that much and I've figured out the only way I can be friends with a guy is if I don't have a crush on him.  So the friendship may soon combust due to my social awkwardness and the fact that I can't flirt and it's depressing because he's super nice and talented and I'm just a derp and I don't know what to do.

And I sound like a Disney Channel Movie. Ok. That was my rant. Toodles.

EDIT: The same guy texted my sister today. This has happened to me before.