Hey. So since my last post a few things have happened. Like me and that kid had a complete fallout because of miscommunication and I kind of got hurt but it was ok and now he's in Germany so whatever he can have a good life.
I also got my first boyfriend. And now I have my first ex boyfriend. We told each other that we liked each other on March 20th? 28th? One of those. We started dating April 6th. We broke up for the first time October 14th, got back together October 20th, and broke up Officially, November 15th. I think I'm writing this just to let myself know that although it wasn't all good times, it wasn't always bad times.
Before we started dating we talked for hours. We watched the same shows and he told me about his past and his friends and I told him about mine. After we started dating he told me that he only watched Misfits to have a reason to talk to me and I think that is really sweet. We had such a good time together. From March until nearly the end of September we were great. I loved him. We had a lot of firsts together. And it's hard that we broke up but I know it's for the best. He wasn't the greatest boyfriend and after a certain point I should have broke up with him. He didn't like me anymore. But I still did and I figured being unhappy with him was better than being unhappy without him.
It's a big change. I don't really know what to do now. I don't love him anymore but I still care about him. I just want to remember certain things about our relationship, the good and the bad.
The Good
-Our first date where he tried to lift up the armrest to wrap his arm around me
-Having really close and deep conversations, whether over skype or with our shirts off. It was a kind of closeness that is unreal.
-Laying his head on my shoulder when he was really high in front of his friends. It made me feel like he was proud to have me.
-Picking me up and tickling me despite me telling him not to.
-Sobbing together for an hour and a half when I left for Norway.
-Walking the dogs with me.
-Makeout sessions in the back of his car.
-When no one was home and he let me into his house with a hug and a kiss.
-Telling me that I looked pretty after the NHS meeting or just saying that I looked hot one particular day.
-Saying the length of my pubes didn't matter (laugh it's funny but also reassuring)
-Beating him in air hockey relentlessly.
-Running around the basement.
-Picking me up and holding my hand at the renaissance festival.
-The first time we said 'I love you' to each other. This is probably one of my favorite moments. And even though I don't think I'll ever forget it, I'm writing it down anyways. I had to leave because Matt was coming over but I had been wanting to say it for a really long time. He stood up and I said 'wait' and had him come sit back down on the couch with me. 'what is it?" and that was it. I physically couldn't say it. It got stuck in my throat. "What?" he asked, smiling and kissing me. "I'm blushing so much right now." He leaned in and said "I love you," and I said "I love you" and we kissed and even though we only said it a few times after that before it stopped having any meaning, in that moment, we really did love each other. A teenager's love that fades, but actual love. The never-let-me-go love, the don't-be-with-anyone-else love, the in-this-moment-I-love-you love.
And now...the reasons why we broke up.
The Bad.
-Forgetful
-Always late
-The rape argument
-Sleeping all the time
-Never looking happy
-Not acknowledging me at school
-Never being the one to ask to hang out or start conversations
-Didn't do anything
-Complained a lot
-Depression which I know is hard to deal with but whenever he got sad he just blocked me out when I tried to help
-Pushed me away
-Didn't do anything for my birthday
-Broke up with me 4 days after my dog died
-Said things would be different
-Doesn't want to have anything to do with me.
Overall, it is a good thing we broke up. But it still hurts. I remember planning spring break together, going to prom or something gay like that. I loved him and I still have feelings for him but I know that we'll never be able to get back together. A learning experience.
Thank you Johnny, for all that you gave me, and I hope that you learned from me like I did from you. I know you did love me at one point. I'm just sorry that it's over.
Tuesday, November 19, 2013
Tuesday, January 29, 2013
The Sexual Exploits of a Teenage Girl
Ok so this blog isn't so much a blog as much as it is a diary because no one fucking looks at it so this is actually 100% for me and not for you if you happen to be reading it so you can leave now but I'm 16 years old and when you're 16 you get horny. And sometimes you meet other horny people. And sometimes things happen. This is one of those things. This was also my first time I ever did anything. Like this was my first kiss. And I regret nothing so fuck off.
Saturday, January 26th, 2013
So I didn't think it was going to happen. I had my period and we had been planning it for a while and he said that he had to go out to a movie with his parents. Change of plans. Wasn't going to the movie with his parents so he says to come over at 4:50 for "fun time" and I am not even kidding those were the words he used. Whatever. So I proceed to go on skype and get ready while panicking/talking to Olivia. 4:50 comes. I get a text "wooh parents are gone." Panic sets in. "Ok I'll be there in like 10 minutes" "kk" I walk out to my car and pull out of the garage and my mapquest and I make my way to his house. I somehow am not that nervous. Like I'm more nervous typing this than I was when it happened. I pull up to his road and I look around for his address. "So I think I'm here" "numbers of address here?" "Yeah except I'm like two houses down because I missed it. " "Yeah I see your car. It's the one on the right behind the one you're in front of." "Your driveway is a bitch" "lol tis" "that's not happening" "kk garage it is" I pull around and pull up his driveway by his garage which he opened. He's leaning against the entrance. "Hurry up it's cold." I get out of my drivers seat and grab my purse and keys. "Yeah thanks." I say and I walk up to his house and follow him inside. "You can just put your stuff down here or upstairs," he says as I walk into his basement. I take off my jacket and my purse and put it on a chair. I lean down to take off my shoes. "Nice crocs" I joke. "Thanks they're my dad's. I got dared to wear them to school one day." "I would love to see that." I follow him up the stairs and into his living room. He hands me a die. I look at him. I am kind of surprised. I didn't think we were going to go with the dice. I was obviously mistaken. "Whenever you play a game you have to sit criss-cross applesauce." He sits down on the floor. I sit down and a really cute fluffy dog comes over. "Hi, Bear." We pet the adorable dog that he obviously loves. "All right, Bear, get out of here. Do you remember the rules?" "I think so...but my pants are staying on." "Well obviously. Stain free carpet." He jokes. We roll. He wins. "Score! Well, if the pants are staying on, obviously shirt." I'm nervous. Because insecure about body and fat. I take a breath and slide my arms inside and lift my sweater over my head, trying to adjust myself to look as skinny as I can. I run my fingers through my hair as I feel my face turn red. "Now how on earth could you hide those." I laugh a little bit. "Well, obviously we have to start with making out." And he inched forwards and before I even knew how to prepare myself his face was in front of mine and his mouth was on mine. Oh, shit, my eyes are open. I close them. I feel his tongue with mine. Oh, right, I use tongue. I try to focus on not being a shitty kisser for a minute as I feel my mouth getting wet. It's not gross. Just very wet. I suddenly notice a hand in my hair and in my mind I have a victorious FUCK YES go off because hands in hair is just really hot to me. I try to recall every movie I watch and I slide my hand to his hair and run my fingers through his blonde locks because he has locks. Still kissing. Still nervous. But kind of enjoying it so far. I feel his hand on my right boob and he squeezes it lightly. Ok. That feels good. Still trying to not suck at kissing. Still have fingers in each other's hair. Hand still on chest. He shifts and I breathe and we switch positions, his hand now on my left boob and I think it's going ok. Still kissing. Still wet. Still with tongues. BOING. I hear the timer go off. He moves to reset it as I wipe my lips because it was kind of sloppy but not gross. "I'm chewing gum." I say because it was kind of distracting as we were making out. "Yeah, I can taste it. Strawberry?" "Spearmint, actually." "Huh, does not taste minty." We roll again. I win. I look at him "Sweatshirt." He takes it off. "Well that was easy. What do you want me to do?" I give him a look that says "well...." I am very bad at picking stuff to do. "I don't know. I told you I wasn't good at this part." "That's true, you did." "Any ideas?" "Back rub?" "Sure." He moves behind me and I lay down and prop myself up on my elbows. "This will probably just turn into me rubbing your tits." I smile and feel myself go red again. I don't mind it. He's just very straightforward. He started at my neck. It felt really good. He goes down and rubs my back and I kind of tune out at this point because we didn't have any music. He rubs my shoulders and down my back and occasionally going around under my bra. For the last three seconds before the timer goes off he does a karate chop sort of thing and I laugh as the timer goes off. I sit back up, still red in the face. We roll again. I win again. "Shirt." I say. He takes it off. I look at him, out of ideas before I am definitely out of ideas now. "What do you think?" "I'm not doing another back rub." "Want to make out again?" "Sure. But let's move over to the couch. It's easier." We do. He sits next to me and moves in and I'm more prepared this time. I close my eyes and we kiss and it's wet and our tongues are pushing against each other's and his hands are on my chest, sometimes going under my bra, which felt really good. I kind of lean back a little and our fingers are still in each other's hair, tangling themselves, which is fun and I feel the fuzziness of facial hair that I didn't think I would like at all but kind of made it more real and my back is against the couch and we're kissing hard and my face is against his and it hurts a little bit because we're going at it and he readjusts so his hands can get at my other boob. He pulls back, "I forgot to set the timer." We pull out the dice as I wipe my lip again. I win again. He's frustrated but I kind of smile, even though I know that I suck at this. "I think there's only one option," he says, gesturing to his pants. "That would be correct." He slides them off. I look at him, no fucking clue what to do at this point. "Any more ideas?" "We could say fuck the rules." "We could." He sits back up and his arm is across me trying to get my bra off. He struggles and I laugh a bit. "It's not that hard." "Well, you know what, I don't have tits." "You pull forward and then you pull back." He gets it. "Huh, that was surprisingly easy." He holds it out in front of him, so bewildered, "It's like they were meant to hold bombs or some shit." I laugh as he lets go of it and I lean back against the couch and he's completely on top of me this time and I love it. Both of my hands are in his hair and he is rubbing my boobs and when he rubs my nipples for the first time I squirm and tighten my grip in his hair. I feel his smile and hear his laugh and I kiss him more. It's less wet this time. Or maybe it's the same and I'm just a bit more distracted. He keeps rubbing and every time I have to suppress a shudder he pulls back and laughs. "Shut up" I whisper and I smile and kiss him as he grabs my boobs and he pushes against me, pushing me further back into the couch. His face is pressed against mine hard and it kind of hurts but it's also kind of hot and he sits back up and I sit back up with him. "All right, I want to have some fun," he says and he kind of guides my hand to his cock, still in his boxers. I kind of don't really know what to do but I start rubbing it through his boxers and we start kissing again, sitting up and his leg comes over mine. "Here." He pulls back and pulls it out of the hole that I guess boxers have so guys can jerk off or something. Anyway, it's out there and I'm kind of taken aback by it because it's kind of weird looking but I take it and I kind of start pumping it up and down and we kiss again for a second before he whispers "Try holding it tighter and going faster." I'm trying to not suck at this but like I don't really know what to do so I hold it tighter and I go faster and we start kissing again and his hands go back to my chest and it feels really good and it's warm but nice and then after we've been making out with his dick in my hand and his leg on top of mine he pulls back just an inch. "Want to go further?" At this point, his dick is out, my shirt and bra is off. YOFO. "Sure." I kind of look at him for a second before I slide onto the ground and onto my knees and SPOILER ALERT the rest of this is just me blowing him. How do I go at it? I just kind of start sucking on it and I don't know if it actually feels good and I still have one hand rubbing it and he's keeping most of my hair out of my face and I'm holding it and sucking it and trying to put as much of it in my mouth as I can because I've heard that's what feels good and it tastes like skin and I honestly have no clue what I'm doing. Every time I pulled back to take a breath I would rub it up and down fast and I kept trying to deep throat him but I don't think I was doing it very well, I couldn't hold it for that long, but I was still licking it and sucking it and pushing it against my mouth and he was reaching down and rubbing my left nipple and I squirmed a little again. "Are they really that sensitive?" I smiled and nodded and I went back to sucking his cock but I don't think I was good at it at all. Whenever I pulled back to breathe for a minute I would rub the head fast and his legs jerked a little. "That feels good." He said. Well, at least I did something right. I kept kind of pulling it this way and that and then the Gum Thing (which is basically just me getting really annoyed that I was going to choke on my gum as I deep throated him so he got up and threw it away and he came back and he wasn't that hard anymore just like wow I know how to kill a mood) and he's trying to give me little tips on what to do, ways to hold it, how fast I should go, how to get it further down and I'm honestly trying but it was my first time doing anything ever so shut up I'll get better but whenever I jerked him off and his legs moved a little I knew he liked that and I thought that whenever he did that he was close to cumming and I got kind of nervous again "Don't worry, I'll let you know," he said after I kind of looked up at him when his legs kept moving and then there was the Phone Thing (the phone rang and he got up to check it and he didn't recognize the caller ID and he sat back down and someone left like a several minute long message and he just had his head in his hands and was just like "Just...keep going" but I was laughing and I couldn't until she hung up and then I did) After a while of me on my knees and my hair still falling in front of my face he stood up and it was kind of an awkward angle because he's pretty tall so me on my knees was a bit shorter than his waist but it was easier to deep throat him and he said "Well, the hair is easier," as he pulled it away from my face. He was getting soft again and I looked up at him kind of confused. "Do you want me to finish myself?" "Do you want to?" "Sure." He started to jerk himself off and I just kind of sat there and then he was just like "I should not have fapped this morning." Ah. Now it makes sense. Eventually, he puts it away, says I shouldn't worry and that it wasn't my fault but I'm kind of annoyed with my lack of blow job abilities despite what he says and we put our clothes back on and we talk a little bit as we do and I head back downstairs for my jacket and shoes and purse and shit and then he gives me a hug good bye and then I walk out of his garage and leave and told a much shorter version of this to Olivia.
I get that it's kind of a weird situation but it was my first time doing anything at all and I really actually enjoyed it despite the tone of the post. He's a really interesting guy and I kind of want to do it again. This is for me. Not for you.
Saturday, January 26th, 2013
So I didn't think it was going to happen. I had my period and we had been planning it for a while and he said that he had to go out to a movie with his parents. Change of plans. Wasn't going to the movie with his parents so he says to come over at 4:50 for "fun time" and I am not even kidding those were the words he used. Whatever. So I proceed to go on skype and get ready while panicking/talking to Olivia. 4:50 comes. I get a text "wooh parents are gone." Panic sets in. "Ok I'll be there in like 10 minutes" "kk" I walk out to my car and pull out of the garage and my mapquest and I make my way to his house. I somehow am not that nervous. Like I'm more nervous typing this than I was when it happened. I pull up to his road and I look around for his address. "So I think I'm here" "numbers of address here?" "Yeah except I'm like two houses down because I missed it. " "Yeah I see your car. It's the one on the right behind the one you're in front of." "Your driveway is a bitch" "lol tis" "that's not happening" "kk garage it is" I pull around and pull up his driveway by his garage which he opened. He's leaning against the entrance. "Hurry up it's cold." I get out of my drivers seat and grab my purse and keys. "Yeah thanks." I say and I walk up to his house and follow him inside. "You can just put your stuff down here or upstairs," he says as I walk into his basement. I take off my jacket and my purse and put it on a chair. I lean down to take off my shoes. "Nice crocs" I joke. "Thanks they're my dad's. I got dared to wear them to school one day." "I would love to see that." I follow him up the stairs and into his living room. He hands me a die. I look at him. I am kind of surprised. I didn't think we were going to go with the dice. I was obviously mistaken. "Whenever you play a game you have to sit criss-cross applesauce." He sits down on the floor. I sit down and a really cute fluffy dog comes over. "Hi, Bear." We pet the adorable dog that he obviously loves. "All right, Bear, get out of here. Do you remember the rules?" "I think so...but my pants are staying on." "Well obviously. Stain free carpet." He jokes. We roll. He wins. "Score! Well, if the pants are staying on, obviously shirt." I'm nervous. Because insecure about body and fat. I take a breath and slide my arms inside and lift my sweater over my head, trying to adjust myself to look as skinny as I can. I run my fingers through my hair as I feel my face turn red. "Now how on earth could you hide those." I laugh a little bit. "Well, obviously we have to start with making out." And he inched forwards and before I even knew how to prepare myself his face was in front of mine and his mouth was on mine. Oh, shit, my eyes are open. I close them. I feel his tongue with mine. Oh, right, I use tongue. I try to focus on not being a shitty kisser for a minute as I feel my mouth getting wet. It's not gross. Just very wet. I suddenly notice a hand in my hair and in my mind I have a victorious FUCK YES go off because hands in hair is just really hot to me. I try to recall every movie I watch and I slide my hand to his hair and run my fingers through his blonde locks because he has locks. Still kissing. Still nervous. But kind of enjoying it so far. I feel his hand on my right boob and he squeezes it lightly. Ok. That feels good. Still trying to not suck at kissing. Still have fingers in each other's hair. Hand still on chest. He shifts and I breathe and we switch positions, his hand now on my left boob and I think it's going ok. Still kissing. Still wet. Still with tongues. BOING. I hear the timer go off. He moves to reset it as I wipe my lips because it was kind of sloppy but not gross. "I'm chewing gum." I say because it was kind of distracting as we were making out. "Yeah, I can taste it. Strawberry?" "Spearmint, actually." "Huh, does not taste minty." We roll again. I win. I look at him "Sweatshirt." He takes it off. "Well that was easy. What do you want me to do?" I give him a look that says "well...." I am very bad at picking stuff to do. "I don't know. I told you I wasn't good at this part." "That's true, you did." "Any ideas?" "Back rub?" "Sure." He moves behind me and I lay down and prop myself up on my elbows. "This will probably just turn into me rubbing your tits." I smile and feel myself go red again. I don't mind it. He's just very straightforward. He started at my neck. It felt really good. He goes down and rubs my back and I kind of tune out at this point because we didn't have any music. He rubs my shoulders and down my back and occasionally going around under my bra. For the last three seconds before the timer goes off he does a karate chop sort of thing and I laugh as the timer goes off. I sit back up, still red in the face. We roll again. I win again. "Shirt." I say. He takes it off. I look at him, out of ideas before I am definitely out of ideas now. "What do you think?" "I'm not doing another back rub." "Want to make out again?" "Sure. But let's move over to the couch. It's easier." We do. He sits next to me and moves in and I'm more prepared this time. I close my eyes and we kiss and it's wet and our tongues are pushing against each other's and his hands are on my chest, sometimes going under my bra, which felt really good. I kind of lean back a little and our fingers are still in each other's hair, tangling themselves, which is fun and I feel the fuzziness of facial hair that I didn't think I would like at all but kind of made it more real and my back is against the couch and we're kissing hard and my face is against his and it hurts a little bit because we're going at it and he readjusts so his hands can get at my other boob. He pulls back, "I forgot to set the timer." We pull out the dice as I wipe my lip again. I win again. He's frustrated but I kind of smile, even though I know that I suck at this. "I think there's only one option," he says, gesturing to his pants. "That would be correct." He slides them off. I look at him, no fucking clue what to do at this point. "Any more ideas?" "We could say fuck the rules." "We could." He sits back up and his arm is across me trying to get my bra off. He struggles and I laugh a bit. "It's not that hard." "Well, you know what, I don't have tits." "You pull forward and then you pull back." He gets it. "Huh, that was surprisingly easy." He holds it out in front of him, so bewildered, "It's like they were meant to hold bombs or some shit." I laugh as he lets go of it and I lean back against the couch and he's completely on top of me this time and I love it. Both of my hands are in his hair and he is rubbing my boobs and when he rubs my nipples for the first time I squirm and tighten my grip in his hair. I feel his smile and hear his laugh and I kiss him more. It's less wet this time. Or maybe it's the same and I'm just a bit more distracted. He keeps rubbing and every time I have to suppress a shudder he pulls back and laughs. "Shut up" I whisper and I smile and kiss him as he grabs my boobs and he pushes against me, pushing me further back into the couch. His face is pressed against mine hard and it kind of hurts but it's also kind of hot and he sits back up and I sit back up with him. "All right, I want to have some fun," he says and he kind of guides my hand to his cock, still in his boxers. I kind of don't really know what to do but I start rubbing it through his boxers and we start kissing again, sitting up and his leg comes over mine. "Here." He pulls back and pulls it out of the hole that I guess boxers have so guys can jerk off or something. Anyway, it's out there and I'm kind of taken aback by it because it's kind of weird looking but I take it and I kind of start pumping it up and down and we kiss again for a second before he whispers "Try holding it tighter and going faster." I'm trying to not suck at this but like I don't really know what to do so I hold it tighter and I go faster and we start kissing again and his hands go back to my chest and it feels really good and it's warm but nice and then after we've been making out with his dick in my hand and his leg on top of mine he pulls back just an inch. "Want to go further?" At this point, his dick is out, my shirt and bra is off. YOFO. "Sure." I kind of look at him for a second before I slide onto the ground and onto my knees and SPOILER ALERT the rest of this is just me blowing him. How do I go at it? I just kind of start sucking on it and I don't know if it actually feels good and I still have one hand rubbing it and he's keeping most of my hair out of my face and I'm holding it and sucking it and trying to put as much of it in my mouth as I can because I've heard that's what feels good and it tastes like skin and I honestly have no clue what I'm doing. Every time I pulled back to take a breath I would rub it up and down fast and I kept trying to deep throat him but I don't think I was doing it very well, I couldn't hold it for that long, but I was still licking it and sucking it and pushing it against my mouth and he was reaching down and rubbing my left nipple and I squirmed a little again. "Are they really that sensitive?" I smiled and nodded and I went back to sucking his cock but I don't think I was good at it at all. Whenever I pulled back to breathe for a minute I would rub the head fast and his legs jerked a little. "That feels good." He said. Well, at least I did something right. I kept kind of pulling it this way and that and then the Gum Thing (which is basically just me getting really annoyed that I was going to choke on my gum as I deep throated him so he got up and threw it away and he came back and he wasn't that hard anymore just like wow I know how to kill a mood) and he's trying to give me little tips on what to do, ways to hold it, how fast I should go, how to get it further down and I'm honestly trying but it was my first time doing anything ever so shut up I'll get better but whenever I jerked him off and his legs moved a little I knew he liked that and I thought that whenever he did that he was close to cumming and I got kind of nervous again "Don't worry, I'll let you know," he said after I kind of looked up at him when his legs kept moving and then there was the Phone Thing (the phone rang and he got up to check it and he didn't recognize the caller ID and he sat back down and someone left like a several minute long message and he just had his head in his hands and was just like "Just...keep going" but I was laughing and I couldn't until she hung up and then I did) After a while of me on my knees and my hair still falling in front of my face he stood up and it was kind of an awkward angle because he's pretty tall so me on my knees was a bit shorter than his waist but it was easier to deep throat him and he said "Well, the hair is easier," as he pulled it away from my face. He was getting soft again and I looked up at him kind of confused. "Do you want me to finish myself?" "Do you want to?" "Sure." He started to jerk himself off and I just kind of sat there and then he was just like "I should not have fapped this morning." Ah. Now it makes sense. Eventually, he puts it away, says I shouldn't worry and that it wasn't my fault but I'm kind of annoyed with my lack of blow job abilities despite what he says and we put our clothes back on and we talk a little bit as we do and I head back downstairs for my jacket and shoes and purse and shit and then he gives me a hug good bye and then I walk out of his garage and leave and told a much shorter version of this to Olivia.
I get that it's kind of a weird situation but it was my first time doing anything at all and I really actually enjoyed it despite the tone of the post. He's a really interesting guy and I kind of want to do it again. This is for me. Not for you.
Wednesday, December 5, 2012
I Just Have to Write to Write
I have a lot of feelings right now. This isn't even a blog so much as it is a journal and for some reason I always pick the WORST POSSIBLE TIME TO WRITE. For example, right now I should be doing AP Environmental Science, Algebra 2, British Literature, or AP Government homework. But no. I'm here. I'm here because I'm just really sad. I miss my best friend so much. I miss her more than the world could know. I love her to death and I wish she didn't live across the country. I wish we could live in the same city and go to the same school and hang out all the time like I know we would. I just miss her a lot. I've only seen her three times in my whole life and no one has ever understood me like she has.
I also feel exceptionally fat lately. I've been getting giant stretch marks and I'm so embarrassed and overwhelmed by them. I really want to fix it I just don't have time or I don't want to have the time. I just want them to go away. I want my weight to be normal. I don't want to be fat. I should lose more weight. I need to. Also I have a bunch of pimples on my face that are really not adding to this situation. I have pants on that keep falling low and I can't wear tight shirts because then it's like "OH LOOK FAT HOW ARE YOU." I can't even wear a fucking t-shirt because my arms are disgusting and red and bumpy and I also have stretch marks there too. Fucking stretch marks.
Also boys suck. This isn't specific. I understand that the universe does not owe me a boyfriend or anything it's just that why do they all have to suck. I just want to meet a guy who doesn't suck. So far all of them do.
And junior year is death. Like I'm casually failing all of my classes and yes that is an exaggeration but this year is basically guaranteeing where I do and don't get into college next year and the grades I have right now will not get me into Northwestern or even U of M. AP Gov is impossible, I'm such a horrible test taker, and the ACT is so hard and I'm taking it again in three days and I just really don't want to.
This has been a rant.
I also feel exceptionally fat lately. I've been getting giant stretch marks and I'm so embarrassed and overwhelmed by them. I really want to fix it I just don't have time or I don't want to have the time. I just want them to go away. I want my weight to be normal. I don't want to be fat. I should lose more weight. I need to. Also I have a bunch of pimples on my face that are really not adding to this situation. I have pants on that keep falling low and I can't wear tight shirts because then it's like "OH LOOK FAT HOW ARE YOU." I can't even wear a fucking t-shirt because my arms are disgusting and red and bumpy and I also have stretch marks there too. Fucking stretch marks.
Also boys suck. This isn't specific. I understand that the universe does not owe me a boyfriend or anything it's just that why do they all have to suck. I just want to meet a guy who doesn't suck. So far all of them do.
And junior year is death. Like I'm casually failing all of my classes and yes that is an exaggeration but this year is basically guaranteeing where I do and don't get into college next year and the grades I have right now will not get me into Northwestern or even U of M. AP Gov is impossible, I'm such a horrible test taker, and the ACT is so hard and I'm taking it again in three days and I just really don't want to.
This has been a rant.
Wednesday, May 30, 2012
Healthy vs. Happy
I'm going to be honest. You have no idea what I look like. There is a small picture of me in the corner, but my back is turned and I'm on the ground, several feet away. So you don't know that I'm kind of fat. It's not like "OHMYGOD YOU ARE MORBIDLY OBESE, HOW DO YOU WALK?" or anything like that, but it's to the point where I am far too fat to be considered thin and far too thin to be considered fat...or obese. I am not really that uncomfortable with it. I always dream about how it would feel to walk down a beach or pool in a bikini and not feel self conscious, but I don't let it affect me or my personality. But I've always wondered...where is the line drawn? I'm always told to be comfortable in my own skin, to not change a thing about myself, to be happy. And on the other hand, I am told that it would be better if I lost weight, better if I dieted, I'd be healthier. I just think, when is it important to lose weight? When you start losing confidence in yourself? When you feel embarrassed about your body? When it starts affecting your health in a major way? My mother is the biggest supporter f the "Why don't you lose some weight" side, but if my friends like me for me and I feel comfortable with it, why the fuck should I have to change? I mean, I'm not hurting you with it. I'm not bouncing around shirtless waving my fat folds in front of your face as I shove pie down my throat. I'm just...me. This is something that I've been having trouble with for a long time and I just wanted to share. That is the not rhetorical question of the blog: when should one lose weight? And if they are completely happy and healthy, should they ever? I'm on the fence. I don't think I'll ever have the motivation to lose more than a few pounds at a time before I gain it all back, but I'm not just frolicking around like an elephant. Now I'm repeating myself. Time to go now. Good bye.
Friday, April 27, 2012
ENOUGH
My stupid stereotypical teenage life continues as I struggle with teenage stereotypes (I'm not original). I am constantly frustrated with my weight, how to talk to boys, if boys might be attracted to me if ever, that my best friend lives across the fucking country, how I never seem to have free time, despite the fact that I don't do ANYTHING, that I'm not good enough, that I'll never actually start the novel I actually like the idea for, or if I do I'll never finish it, that I'm not cultured, that I'm not smart, that I am a selfish person for only caring about MY problems and MY needs instead of the millions of people out there who I can't even begin to comprehend their issues, that I am less worthy than my more-liked sister, that my leg is falling asleep now because I am sitting on the floor of my cramped closet, that I'll never be asked to a dance, even though I don't like them, that I won't get into a good college, that I won't know what to study when I go to college, that I won't be able to live in Europe with my best friend, that I'll never be liked, that I'll never live up to any of the expectations that were given to me, that I'll become an unhappy, average person who leaves the world, entirely forgotten, like I wasn't even here, that I don't dress well enough, that I'm too fat, that I only wear the same pair of boots every single day, that I don't talk enough, that I talk too much, that I don't do enough, that I read too much, that I go on the computer too much, that I'm not smart, that I'll never be kissed, that----ENOUGH.
I am done. I am sick and tired of all the shit that I have to hear and deal with every fucking day, all of that shit that I think to myself every single minute of every single day. I just want to drop everything, grab my clothes, computer, books, and dog and fly to London and live there forever. Away from this godforsaken high school, this city, the vapid people (including me) who live in it, their stupid problems and mine are too.
I am done. I am sick and tired of all the shit that I have to hear and deal with every fucking day, all of that shit that I think to myself every single minute of every single day. I just want to drop everything, grab my clothes, computer, books, and dog and fly to London and live there forever. Away from this godforsaken high school, this city, the vapid people (including me) who live in it, their stupid problems and mine are too.
Tuesday, January 24, 2012
Rants on my Derpiness
It is currently finals week, at 9:57 PM, and here I am, blogging about something I don't even think I should blog about because it is so stereotypical teenage-romantic-comedy and I feel like I am above it but I don't even care. I just need to write. I haven't written anything in a long time, mainly because the inspiration wasn't there, nor the motivation. But here they are, months later, and they couldn't have come at a worse time.
So this is my dilemma, Blog. I am an extremely awkward person. I try not to be but in the end I always turn out to be so derpy and making a fool out of myself in front of other people is something I'm extremely good at. I also tend to be very quiet and awkward around people who I do not know or people who I do not want to know. But I am never more awkward than I am in front of boys who I like. The second they start to talk to me it's like a trigger goes off in my head that says, "MUST ACT STUPID. MUST ACT WEIRD. MUST NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE NORMAL CONVERSATION." It's like my brain turns off. I stutter and sputter through sentences, I turn BRIGHT RED due to embarrassment, and no one fails to point it out. "Oh, hey Lizzie. I noticed that you are blushing quite profusely while you're talking to a guy who you seem to have interest in. I just thought that I'd point that out to you to make you turn even redder and to the boy who you are currently talking to." WHY THANK YOU SO MUCH, NOW PLEASE GO INTO A HOLE AND DON'T COME OUT. *le sigh*
Thankfully, I've slowly (and I mean VERY SLOWLY) become less awkward in front of the opposite sex. But the fact was that I only ever talked to them at large social gatherings or school. I had never hung out with a guy alone since the second grade where I went over to a boy's house to trade Yu Gi Oh cards with, until this week. And this week shouldn't even count because we were just studying for finals. But oh my god, I think I might like him BUT I DON'T WANT TO LIKE HIM. I just want to be friends. Why can't I control my own goddamn emotions? Why am I such a derp? ALSO, I am so bad at portraying the fact that I like someone. It's not like I ever try to play hard to get, I just have no idea how to flirt so I just end up acting like a friend who may not even like him that much and I've figured out the only way I can be friends with a guy is if I don't have a crush on him. So the friendship may soon combust due to my social awkwardness and the fact that I can't flirt and it's depressing because he's super nice and talented and I'm just a derp and I don't know what to do.
And I sound like a Disney Channel Movie. Ok. That was my rant. Toodles.
EDIT: The same guy texted my sister today. This has happened to me before.
So this is my dilemma, Blog. I am an extremely awkward person. I try not to be but in the end I always turn out to be so derpy and making a fool out of myself in front of other people is something I'm extremely good at. I also tend to be very quiet and awkward around people who I do not know or people who I do not want to know. But I am never more awkward than I am in front of boys who I like. The second they start to talk to me it's like a trigger goes off in my head that says, "MUST ACT STUPID. MUST ACT WEIRD. MUST NOT BE ABLE TO HAVE NORMAL CONVERSATION." It's like my brain turns off. I stutter and sputter through sentences, I turn BRIGHT RED due to embarrassment, and no one fails to point it out. "Oh, hey Lizzie. I noticed that you are blushing quite profusely while you're talking to a guy who you seem to have interest in. I just thought that I'd point that out to you to make you turn even redder and to the boy who you are currently talking to." WHY THANK YOU SO MUCH, NOW PLEASE GO INTO A HOLE AND DON'T COME OUT. *le sigh*
Thankfully, I've slowly (and I mean VERY SLOWLY) become less awkward in front of the opposite sex. But the fact was that I only ever talked to them at large social gatherings or school. I had never hung out with a guy alone since the second grade where I went over to a boy's house to trade Yu Gi Oh cards with, until this week. And this week shouldn't even count because we were just studying for finals. But oh my god, I think I might like him BUT I DON'T WANT TO LIKE HIM. I just want to be friends. Why can't I control my own goddamn emotions? Why am I such a derp? ALSO, I am so bad at portraying the fact that I like someone. It's not like I ever try to play hard to get, I just have no idea how to flirt so I just end up acting like a friend who may not even like him that much and I've figured out the only way I can be friends with a guy is if I don't have a crush on him. So the friendship may soon combust due to my social awkwardness and the fact that I can't flirt and it's depressing because he's super nice and talented and I'm just a derp and I don't know what to do.
And I sound like a Disney Channel Movie. Ok. That was my rant. Toodles.
EDIT: The same guy texted my sister today. This has happened to me before.
Wednesday, December 7, 2011
This Too Shall Pass
I am not in the mood to look at other people's achievements at the moment. For a while, my life has been a series of disappointments. Actually, they're not disappointments. They're more along on the lines of reminders that I am not good at anything. It's just one of those things that I know. I've tried and tried and every single time I try, my hope goes up and I think, "Maybe this time..." but no. They're all just big roller coasters of events that continually end in my failure and red eyes. I try SO HARD not to care, but in the end, it doesn't matter. Every single goddamn time. So many trials and so many failures. I'm just not good enough. For anything. I just like to hope that I am, so I have somewhere to go, somewhere to actually feel praise for my talents. Currently, I don't have any. It's like my world continues to crumble before my eyes and I have yet to see the rocks to come and crush me. Nothing I do matters. Nothing anyone ever does will matter, because in the end, that's just it. There will come a time, long from now, where no one will ever remember anyone's existence. My life and your life won't be a part of history, because there won't be any history, and that's not technically a bad thing. It's just a fact. But sometimes I just need to remember, This too shall pass.
EDIT: It passed.
EDIT: It passed.
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