Hey. So since my last post a few things have happened. Like me and that kid had a complete fallout because of miscommunication and I kind of got hurt but it was ok and now he's in Germany so whatever he can have a good life.
I also got my first boyfriend. And now I have my first ex boyfriend. We told each other that we liked each other on March 20th? 28th? One of those. We started dating April 6th. We broke up for the first time October 14th, got back together October 20th, and broke up Officially, November 15th. I think I'm writing this just to let myself know that although it wasn't all good times, it wasn't always bad times.
Before we started dating we talked for hours. We watched the same shows and he told me about his past and his friends and I told him about mine. After we started dating he told me that he only watched Misfits to have a reason to talk to me and I think that is really sweet. We had such a good time together. From March until nearly the end of September we were great. I loved him. We had a lot of firsts together. And it's hard that we broke up but I know it's for the best. He wasn't the greatest boyfriend and after a certain point I should have broke up with him. He didn't like me anymore. But I still did and I figured being unhappy with him was better than being unhappy without him.
It's a big change. I don't really know what to do now. I don't love him anymore but I still care about him. I just want to remember certain things about our relationship, the good and the bad.
The Good
-Our first date where he tried to lift up the armrest to wrap his arm around me
-Having really close and deep conversations, whether over skype or with our shirts off. It was a kind of closeness that is unreal.
-Laying his head on my shoulder when he was really high in front of his friends. It made me feel like he was proud to have me.
-Picking me up and tickling me despite me telling him not to.
-Sobbing together for an hour and a half when I left for Norway.
-Walking the dogs with me.
-Makeout sessions in the back of his car.
-When no one was home and he let me into his house with a hug and a kiss.
-Telling me that I looked pretty after the NHS meeting or just saying that I looked hot one particular day.
-Saying the length of my pubes didn't matter (laugh it's funny but also reassuring)
-Beating him in air hockey relentlessly.
-Running around the basement.
-Picking me up and holding my hand at the renaissance festival.
-The first time we said 'I love you' to each other. This is probably one of my favorite moments. And even though I don't think I'll ever forget it, I'm writing it down anyways. I had to leave because Matt was coming over but I had been wanting to say it for a really long time. He stood up and I said 'wait' and had him come sit back down on the couch with me. 'what is it?" and that was it. I physically couldn't say it. It got stuck in my throat. "What?" he asked, smiling and kissing me. "I'm blushing so much right now." He leaned in and said "I love you," and I said "I love you" and we kissed and even though we only said it a few times after that before it stopped having any meaning, in that moment, we really did love each other. A teenager's love that fades, but actual love. The never-let-me-go love, the don't-be-with-anyone-else love, the in-this-moment-I-love-you love.
And now...the reasons why we broke up.
The Bad.
-Forgetful
-Always late
-The rape argument
-Sleeping all the time
-Never looking happy
-Not acknowledging me at school
-Never being the one to ask to hang out or start conversations
-Didn't do anything
-Complained a lot
-Depression which I know is hard to deal with but whenever he got sad he just blocked me out when I tried to help
-Pushed me away
-Didn't do anything for my birthday
-Broke up with me 4 days after my dog died
-Said things would be different
-Doesn't want to have anything to do with me.
Overall, it is a good thing we broke up. But it still hurts. I remember planning spring break together, going to prom or something gay like that. I loved him and I still have feelings for him but I know that we'll never be able to get back together. A learning experience.
Thank you Johnny, for all that you gave me, and I hope that you learned from me like I did from you. I know you did love me at one point. I'm just sorry that it's over.
